Today has been one of those days. Those days when I can't make the tears stop. When I feel such intense grief and a longing for just one more hug from Brendan. To hear him tell a joke or laugh. To just hear his voice. I'm not sure exactly how I thought the months after Brendan's passing would go, but it's definitely been like nothing I could have ever foreseen or prepared for. How have we all survived this time without him?
I'm nervous to write this post. There's a lot that I've kept bottled inside for so long. But because this blog is my journal, I feel like writing it out will help me deal with all the emotions.
As July looms closer and closer, the emotions, feelings and memories that I always keep hidden away in the recesses of my mind, now are surfacing more frequently. They stop me short. It's hard to breathe. It all feels like it was just yesterday. Just yesterday we were spending all the time we could with Brendan because we ultimately didn't know how much he had left. Just yesterday Loren was stressed beyond belief, constantly trying to catch up with studying for the Bar but never being able to. Just yesterday I was desperately trying to find balance for my small family, but feeling like Loren was being torn between the Bar, Brendan, Lydia and I and the expectations of his career. I remember having a panic attack the night before Allie was born because I didn't know why I needed to be induced a week early. I felt like we weren't prepared for her. I didn't feel like Loren was even excited, because he didn't have time to feel excited.
But holding Allie in my arms the next morning, I was filled with peace and unimaginable joy that she had come into our lives. She was perfect. She was an angel. And both Loren and I knew it. Just yesterday Brendan was sitting in the hospital room with us, as the first one of our family to hold Allie.
The next day Brendan was life-flighted to Primary's. We were still at the hospital and Loren ran over to the helicopter pad to see him off. While he was gone, a nurse came in to talk to me about breastfeeding or something. I remember her asking a bunch a questions and then ended with, "So how are you feeling emotionally?" I had held it together just fine up until that question, but when I opened my mouth to say, "I'm doing great," the only thing that came out was a big sob.
Just yesterday we were racing down to Primary's just two hours after being discharged front the hospital, not knowing if Brendan would be there to greet us. Thankfully he was, and we stayed with him for two days. People are often shocked when they hear we took our day old baby to the hospital with us. We honestly didn't know what else to do. I thought about staying, but didn't think I could live with myself if Brendan passed and I wasn't there. So we all prayed. Prayed that she'd be protected so we could be with our family, where we needed to be. And she was.
We all stayed together in Avon until Brendan passed. Allie had been up a lot in the night and so Loren took her Saturday morning and let me sleep in. The next thing I remember is Loren waking me up, sobbing, and telling me that Brendan had just passed. He'd tried calling me, but I didn't hear my phone. This is the one thing that fills me with such regret. How I wish I could have been there with him.
Just yesterday Loren broke out in hives all over his body. The extreme stress of studying, Allie's birth, Brendan's death, taking the MPRE test, packing, moving and starting a new job finally wore him down. I remember calling my mom on a Sunday morning in tears, then the next thing I know, she and my dad are on my doorstep with dinner. They had called substitutes for their classes and had come down to help me unpack and talk. This was one of the many examples of times where we were lifted up by earthly angels.
My biggest fear is forgetting. Forgetting Brendan's voice, the way he laughed, the funny things he'd say. One thing I know we'll never forget is the way he touched our lives with his testimony. He had a sure knowledge that we'll all be together again someday. Brendan, I sure hope that day comes soon.
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